Sad but true...

I have had a hard time getting too psyched about our little guy getting here. I try not to get over excited, just in case. I have had friends who have lost children up to 36 weeks of pregnancy, or have them get here only to have them depart shortly there after. Its been stuck in my mind since I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks. And the thoughts never entirely leave. I know a lot of my friends wondered why I waited until I was about 20 weeks or more to say anything about us having a baby, and that was why.

I have had so many friends with so many tragic stories that I find it hard thinking it couldn't happen to me. They are such good people, the best of people, yet they faced such awful trials.

As I hear of these things I can't help but think, if it happened to you, why wouldn't it happen to me? Why would I deserve all of this, with no problems, when you have had so much happen to you?

We didn't ask for our son, we weren't trying to have a baby. Yet there are people who can't have them, who lose them, or have to try so many things to finally have a child. It makes me feel an imense sense of guilt. God gave us a gift, we feel, that we weren't sure we deserved when there are so many out there that will probably be better parents. Or who have already endured so much.

With that said. I feel greatly blessed to have my little family. The cutest, probably most attentive husband I could have ever asked for. Someone who walks to the other side of our bed in the middle of the night because I have had to move around so much just to get comfortable, yet I have travelled too far over....:) A guy who thinks the world of me, especially when I don't think much of myself. I love this little person, who I know knows me, yet he chose me to be his mother anyway. I love the opportunity we have had of getting to come together as a family, and decide whats most important to us.

And if something were to happen, heaven forbid, I am glad I had the opportunity to grow so much as a person and be touched by a little life more than I ever thought possible. I am grateful for the closeness it brought between me and my Father in Heaven and my Savior. As we have had many conversations in quiet times, I have come to know that they think I am capable of so many great things, when I doubt I can handle much of anything (as is the case with most of us I would assume). I am grateful for the gospel and everything it teaches us about families and their eternal nature.

Sorry this post is so depressing, but it was something I needed to get out. I know the probability of something happening is slim, but it is there. And I don't think I have ever been more aware of it than I have become in the last couple of years. Don't worry about me, I am excited to play with my son, but know that have witnessed so many things, that yes, I am extremely guarded.

For those of my friends who are reading this and have gone through tragedy, know that I think the world of you. :) Love you guys!